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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.