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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?