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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"