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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.