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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.