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3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.