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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?