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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.