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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.