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Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?