Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
i only drink on days that end with y
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.