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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." ā my brain when I see a box of donuts
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
People say laughter is the best medicine, but Iād like to think a beer is the way to go.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!