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Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."