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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Check this one out.........1
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there