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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.