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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.