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I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I think, therefore i`m single.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”