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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.