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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.