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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.