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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.