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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone