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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.