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Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.