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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.