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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?