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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.