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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?