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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"