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I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!