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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.