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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!