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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.