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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!