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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.