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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.