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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
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The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.