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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”