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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."