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I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.