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Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
My mind has a mind of its own.