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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?