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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
I say the things better left unsaid.