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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Can I get likes for no reason?