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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.