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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.