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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.