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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!