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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.