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Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."