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When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.