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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.