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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.