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How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?