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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.