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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
it`s friday o clock
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.