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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I need a partner in wine.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Iām bored. Anyone need anything avenged?