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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.