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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.