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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.