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My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.